Peaks and Troughs

In which our intrepid life explorer suffers a bit of a setback.

It’s been a bit of a tough week this week and I’ve been pretty down I’m afraid to say – a real shame seeing as I was pretty upbeat last week about everything coming up.

At the beginning of the week, for no reason I can put my finger on, things got a bit black and bleak and I felt really, really lonely. To make matters worse I pretty much shut myself down and didn’t speak to anyone outside work, except Sarah when I had to ring the girls which didn’t help, especially as I heard “him” in the background nearly every day, making it very hard for me to pick up the phone to speak to the girls knowing I’d hear “him” again – not nice at all. I was in a bad way, still am if I’m completely honest.

The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved – Mother Teresa

I miss the closeness of being with someone and I could really do with a great big cuddle more often than not – I miss them the most. Pathetic sounding I know, especially from a grown man, but when the tears start I just can’t stop them from falling. It can happen almost anywhere and without notice. There doesn’t seem to be a trigger, I don’t even have to be thinking about anything – it just comes over me like a wave and there’s no stopping it.

I miss what I had. I don’t miss Sarah, not one little bit, I just miss the family unit and having the girls around me every day. This weekend’s been great so far and the girls have been absolutely wonderful, but it just reminds me what I haven’t got 300 odd days a year, every year from now on, and that truly makes me sad.

If I’m totally honest, I’m scared. I’m scared that this is how it’s going to be from now on: part time dad, alone here in the house 99% of the time, with nobody to share the good times with, assuming that good times are ahead of course!?

I have ever since (his wife’s death) seemed to myself broken off from mankind; a kind of solitary wanderer in the wild of life, without any direction, or fixed point of view: a gloomy gazer on the world to which I have little relation – Samuel Johnson

I hate wallowing like this especially when I have such an exciting adventure ahead of me this year but sometimes I can’t help it. I pray that I can find the strength to get through this, to complete my walk and to prove to myself that I’m not a failure, even if I failed in my marriage, something that will haunt me for a long time to come if not forever.

Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for. – Dag Hammarskjold

If I can’t find the will to get through this in one piece, to do what I need to do, then there’s no helping me because I won’t respect myself and that is something I dread happening.

God I hate writing posts like this but I promised myself I’d be open and honest at all times about how I feel. There’s no point trying to lie to myself, where would that get me? Hopefully, after another good day with the girls tomorrow and the start of a new week, my mood will lift but only time will tell on that one. I look forward to writing something a bit more positive some time very soon!

This was never going to be easy but damn, this is hard!

Leave a Reply

You must be to post a comment.

5 Responses to “Peaks and Troughs”

  1. Treacle says:

    It totally sucks when you get times like that, and incredibly frustrating not knowing why or what has triggered it – if you knew you’d be aware of the warning signs and do something to avoid it. On a very slightly more positive note at least you recognise when you are in a trough and can do something to get yourself out of it, even if that’s just taking yourself “out of the loop” for a bit. Not recognising that you need to pick yourself up would be a bad thing.

    The emotional rollercoaster isn’t a pleasant ride and having been there myself I can understand how you are feeling. It’s easy enough for other people to say things will get better; that you will move on and find happiness and contentment in your life; that you are not a failure just because the person you were with turned out not to be the right one for you. Whilst all of these things are true you have to get to a point of recognising it for yourself – until then they are just words, though you should take some comfort in knowing that these things are genuinely said and that there are a lot of people that are here to help you through the shite times [me included of course!!].

    I found my biggest challenge was liking myself again. I don’t know why I stopped liking who I was – a think a lot of it was pointing the finger at myself, blaming me for the things that had gone wrong. It must have been my fault my marriage failed because I wasn’t good enough. It’s so easy to be critical of yourself when there isn’t anyone else there to point the finger at. You lose sight of how things actually were and that in fact you were the decent person. It’s not an easy point to come to and I had a lot of very black days. I broke contact with a lot of people – for all the wrong reasons as it turned out. Thankfully I did eventually get my act together, but I won’t lie to you and say it was easy – far from it. My “salvation” came from making some lifestyle changes, mostly doing things I’d not considered doing before as it was a change in my routine. Too many things were geared around my life with Jo, changing some [not all] of those things proved to be a turning point. You’ve got some exciting things coming up and I have no doubt at all that you’ll benefit greatly from them both emotionally and physically.

    It’s always a long road back, shorter for some, longer for others but we do all make it back eventually. I’d like to be able to tell you exactly how things will turn out and when the dark days will be no more but that’s something I just don’t know. It’ll probably seem a very long time, but when you get there you’ll realise that it isn’t that long at all.

    I’m always here for you when you need me – I can’t help with the cuddles though … well, maybe if we disguise it as wrestling 🙂

    • Darren says:

      Thanks for the words Andy. Any insight into everything that’s going on in my head from someone who’s been through the mill – and survived! – is always welcome.

      I must admit, I’m beginning to struggle not to point the finger at myself for the situation I now find myself in. Every reason Sarah gave for leaving was down to me: my moods, my depressions, my anger, my steadfastness about not moving back to Medway – how can I now look at this and not blame myself and not feel a complete and utter failure for everything I did wrong? Ok, she’s now set up her new family unit with “him” and has everything she ever wanted – kids, living in Medway etc. – was I just a vehicle to that end point? Who knows.

      I’d love to just sit here and point the finger at her for nearly doing it 2 years ago after Kathryn’s hen-do and then finally doing it properly last year, but maybe I didn’t take that warning seriously enough to sort myself out back then? I don’t know.

      I’m not sure I can bare the thought of feeling like this for an extended period of time until I finally reach a point of recovery…it’s too hard to contemplate and it scares the hell out of me that I won’t make it.

      I’m hoping that finishing work and concentrating 100% on the walk will help, that’ll clearly stop a lot of the associations with my past life, but then there’s the fear that not having contact with people every day will push me the other way completely, something I was speaking to Adele (Edward’s mum) about over the weekend. Who knows which way it’ll swing, but it’s a legitimate concern for sure.

      You could go mad thinking about it all but that’s clearly something I’ve got to do. I don’t not like myself – if that made sense? – but I’m worried that I won’t be able to pick myself up or start to do things I wouldn’t normally do to “get myself out there” again.

      I know it’s still early days but Sarah left over 3 months ago now and all I can see is me actually getting worse not better, and her having a great time without a care in the world.

      Aaaarrrrrggghhhh – my head hurts!!!

  2. Rachel says:

    Sounds harsh but ask yourself,
    how does looking back make you feel? answer-BAD
    how does feeling guilty make you feel? answer-BAD
    how does thinking about all those “what if’s” make you feel? answer-BAD
    I know, i’ve been there lots of times and not just with relationship problems. Negativity gets you down, it does you no good. Put it behind you, focus on the good.
    Don’t ever forget that as long as you have your health, all problems can be solved.
    How do you feel to be a Dad? answer- proud
    How do you feel when Alice and Elisa learn something new? answer- a sense of achievement.
    It takes practise and guts to turn those negatives into positives. I’ve never seen you run away from anything yet. You can do it if you try.
    P.S. cuddles are plenty and free in Yorkshire, i’m sending you one right now…..

    • Darren says:

      Hi Rachel – welcome aboard and thanks for the cuddle!

      I know you’re right and I consider myself kicked up the arse but I’m sure you know how difficult it can be to drag yourself out of that place when your mind goes there? Christ, I’ve been there enough over the years.

      I’ll get through, there’s no doubt about that, and hopefully in one piece…it’s just a matter of how long that’s going to take and that really does scare me when I think about it.

      Once I’ve finished at work I’ll schedule a visit to see you all and to do some walking in the dales.

  3. Val says:

    Don’t forget good old Medway with stand in mum and daft husband, you might have to walk with a bad head you know what Tone’s like and he’ll love you being here. Cuddles are always around with me it’s what mums do and I always have time to make up for with you. Please remember it doesn’t make any difference how long the tunnel is it always has an end with light and happiness for a future that takes the bad out of the past, you will get, fight the pain look for the light.
    Cuddles and love always.