What’s the point?!

In which our intrepid life explorer hopes he's hit rock-bottom.

The past couple of weeks have been really hard for me, for one reason or another. I can only hope that this is the bottom and things will now start to get better, but I just don’t know. As a good friend of mine said earlier today: you won’t know it’s the bottom until you look back and realise that things are indeed better.

I think the realisation of everything is really beginning to kick in and it scares me to think about exactly what it is I’ve now lost, which includes the chance to be the father I always wanted to be. I feel completely robbed of that opportunity and I am fast becoming very bitter and twisted about it all, which is doing me no good at all. I guess this point was always going to be reached after everything that’s happened but I really didn’t think it was going to knock me down as much as it has.

I don’t really know what to do and to be honest all I feel like doing is shutting myself off from everyone (including the girls) and just getting on with my life, what ever that may end up being. I know what you’re going to say about that – i.e. don’t you dare – but that’s how I feel at the moment. I just want to sever all ties with everything and just start again from scratch. I’ve even had thoughts of selling up and moving somewhere completely different, maybe even another country, with the money from the house sale and mum’s money, after paying off Sarah of course. Maybe not being around would be best for everyone involved as I’m clearly not needed any more? I don’t know what to think any more.

Being at work isn’t helping either as all I want to do is just pack up my bag and leave, but I can’t unfortunately. I’ve pretty much sorted out my desk now, just some photos to pack on my final day left to do. Only another 4 weeks to go and then I can seriously concentrate on me for the first time in, well, 10 or so years!

I can’t go on like this much longer and that really scares me at the moment. I think Sarah has absolutely no idea what she’s done as she’s got everything she ever wanted out of this and I just feel like this cash cow/babysitter making her life easier. I can’t stand that thought and it’s seriously eating away at me at the moment – very self-destructive. Clearly I have no idea what’s going on in her life, or how easy/difficult it is for her – it’s just my perception of everything.

What the hell am I supposed to do? I really don’t know which way to turn at the moment and I really hope that taking the time out from everything is going to help…but I just don’t know any more. All I know is, I can’t carry on as I am currently: the routine of daily life is beginning to rip my heart out and is slowly affecting me mentally, I feel it every day getting worse and worse.

Everything that was said when Sarah was leaving last year was only said to keep me quiet. I’m sick of it all as I was told a complete load of shit, something that has been hit home hard this past week or so. Big part in the girls’ lives? Christ I don’t even have a say in any decisions related to them and I can’t see that changing…ever!

Please, someone just stop the world so I can get off!

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